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The Idiot’s Guide To Playing Golf

You see Tiger Woods play golf on TV, and you decide - right there and then, without ever setting foot on the green - you would like to play golf, too. You being you, you decide you will not only master golf, you will be part of the PGA tour after a year or two.

There are many things you need to learn before you can actually lord it over everyone else on the green - or ask friends for great golf gifts. The good news is that golf is a leisurely–paced sport that lets you get in touch with your primitive side through clubs, the swinging of clubs, and the aggressive use of force. The bad news is that golf laws do not always follow known universal constructs. Consider the following golf laws you need to learn by heart:

Law No. 1: Palm trees eat golf balls.

Law No. 2: Golf balls never leap off trees and bounce back into play. If one does, you could only be golfing in one place: a Hollywood set.

Law No. 3: Sand is alive. Not only that, it secretly hates you. Why else does it always work against you?

Law No. 4: Par-three holes were made to embarrass golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater the possibility of actually suffering loss of face.

Law No. 5: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. In fact, the pricier the ball, the greater its attraction to water.

Law No. 6: Your best round of golf will almost instantly be followed by your worst round ever. Moreover, the likelihood of the latter is directly to the number of people you brag to about the former.

Law No. 7: The player you most hate to lose to will always be the one who soundly beats you.

Law No. 8: All vows taken on a golf course and all promises made on the green are valid only until sunset.

So you see, while Tiger Woods might make the game seem like poetry, golf can be tough, too. You might want to postpone purchasing those golf items and set your sights on Zippo lighters or personalized money clips instead - at least until the next Tiger Woods news clip.

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