Funny Stuff is all around

Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

Funniest Joke in the World:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, “OK, now what?”

Runner Up:

PATIENT: “Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum.”
DOCTOR: “I’ve got some cream for that.”

Another Runner Up:

A patient says, “Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: ‘Could you please pass the butter?’ But instead I said: ‘You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.”

Still Another Runner Up:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.”

The other man replies, “Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.”

One More Runner Up:

TEXAN: “Where are you from?”
HARVARD GRAD: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
TEXAN: “OK - where are you from, jackass?”

And Still Another Runner Up:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “That driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Amazing - Another Runner Up:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.

Last Runner Up:

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all!”

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1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you’d have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you’d have to restart it. For some strange reason, you’d just accept this and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop, fail to restart, and you’d have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you’d just accept this too.

4. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

5. Someone else - say, a company called Macintosh - would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast, and twice as easy to drive. But, it would only run on one road in twenty.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, engine, petrol, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “ERROR” warning light.

8. New seats would require everyone to have the same size backside.

9. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a “Car95″ or a “CarNT.” But, then you’d have to buy more seats.

10. The airbag system would say, “Are you sure?” before going off.

http://www.aliya.com.tw/joke.htm

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.   His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.  When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.  Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

• 2004: I will get my weight down below 170.
• 2005: I will watch my calories until my weight is below 200.
• 2006: I will follow my new diet until I get below 220.
• 2007: I will work out once a week.
• 2008: I will drive past a gym at least once a week.

—–

• 2004: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
• 2005: I will read at least 10 books a year.
• 2006: I will read 5 books a year.
• 2007: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
• 2008: I will subscribe to a good humor e-mail list this year.

—–

• 2004: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
• 2005: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
• 2006: I will be totally out of debt by next year.
• 2007: I will try to pay off the debt interest by next year.
• 2008: I will try to be out of the country by next year.

—–

• 2004: I will sponsor a disadvantaged foreign child this year.
• 2005: I will sponsor a disadvantaged domestic child this year.
• 2006: I will sponsor one kid for lunch at McDonald’s this year.
• 2007: I will sponsor one of my kids for lunch at McDonald’s this year.
• 2008: I will endeavor to remember my children’s names this year.

—–

• 2004: I will cut my smoking down to no more than one pack a day.
• 2005: I will cut my smoking down to two packs a day — OK, three.
• 2006: I will try to stop smoking pot this year.
• 2007: I will try to stop smoking crack this year.
• 2008: Now that I’ve quit smoking, I’ll try to stop shooting heroin and meth this year.

Source: Jumbo Joke

I thought they were quite funny anyways

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Future Of Advertising In Danger???????
hmm… Someone went to school to figure that out.

Google is cheating publishers
Hang on while I call my lawyer

My idiot friend clicked 3 of my ads.
Either shake his hand or kick his ass

Adsense 1 million Doller !!!
Lost in translation I guess

Does traffic really increase your adsense earnings?
Yes! It’s like Viagra for your website (more…)

我跟我媽說：媽！我想養狗！
我媽看了我一眼…沒理我…繼續看電視……
我秉著國父革命11次才成功的精神，繼續對我媽精神轟炸
我不停地複述：媽！我要養狗！我要養狗….
我媽終於受不了了，她說：好！我答應讓你養狗！
可是……不能讓牠踏到家裡的地板，就讓你養狗！
我一聽到….當場被我媽的話轟殺，心想：不能踏到地板！難道讓小狗頭下腳上前進嗎?
我跟我同學說這件事，我同學說：這算啥！我跟你說，我跟我媽說：媽！我要養狗！

我媽想了很久…..只說了一句話：
家裡只能有一隻畜生，你自己決定，你要留下還是要走 ..

甲：「你認識剛才那個男人啊！」

乙：「嗯，算起來他應該是我親戚吧！」

甲：「啥親戚？」

乙：「我也不知道怎麼稱呼，不過他娶了我老婆。」

林老先生有天生病去看醫生。

醫生說：「不要緊，但以後你必須早點睡，多散步而且每天只能抽一根菸。」

過了兩個禮拜林老先生說：「我好多了，只是每天抽一根菸，可真累人，這麼大年紀才開始學抽菸，可真是活到老學到老。」

病人對醫生說：「哎呀，我吃的那些生蠔好像不對勁。」

「那些生蠔新鮮嗎？」醫生一面按病人的腹部一面問。

「我也不知道」

「那你撥開殼時肉色如何？」

「什麼！要撥開吃的？」

甲：我家的狗會自己出去大小便

乙：這很平常嘛！

甲：每天早上，牠還會叼當天的報紙回家！

乙：只要加以訓練，這也不太難。

甲：可是，我家沒訂報耶！

乙：＠＃＄％＆＊

單身女郎深夜返家，發現後面緊跟著一名男子～

幾度擺脫不了，她乾脆走進墳場，在一座新墳旁坐了下來，說道：『終於到家了』

只見那名男子頭也不回的飛奔出去！

行人：我請你喝杯酒吧

乞丐：我不喝酒，只是要點錢

行人：那麼，請你抽支雪茄

乞丐：我不抽煙，只是要點錢

行人：今天賽馬，我出錢下注，贏了算你的，怎樣？

乞丐：我也不賭，只是要點錢

行人：那好，你跟我回家，我要讓我太太看一個男人不抽煙不喝酒不賭錢有甚麼下場！

太太要先生幫她洗碗，先生不好意思回絕，於是把十歲的兒子叫到跟前，和顏悅色的跟他說：孩子，現在讓你練習洗碗，以後可以幫太太的忙。

兒子一臉抱怨的說：不必，以後我可以叫我兒子洗。

電影Ⅲ級

1級：好男人得到女主角。

2A/2B級：壞男人得到女主角。

3/4級：人人都可以得到女主角！

Self-reference is a theme not only in logic (as in “This sentence is false”, Gödel’s theorem) but in jokes. A certain kind of joke (appealing especially to males?) depends on it.

Some old classics

• I’m the humblest person I know.
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
• The workshop on procrastination has been cancelled, as no-one got around to enrolling.
• Anyone who visits a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

• We never make misteaks.
• 87.5% of all statistics are made up.
• Here, take this placebo.
• The technical term for “being unable to remember the word you want” is, uh …

• There are three types of people in the world: those who can count and those who can’t.
• The two rules for success are:
  1. Never tell them everything you know.

• There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
• We Poms hate being called whingers.
• Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
• There should be a rule that we don’t talk about politics.
• I’m trying to be less self-deprecating, but I really suck at it. (more…)
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